It's Called Anxiety

The other day I had a monumental Breakdown™ at my work in front of customers, managers, coworkers, probably Obama, esentially everyone I never wanted to have a breakdown in front of. And it reminded me of the last major public Breakdown™ I had, which was back in the fall of 2016.

I was interviewing for this grant. It was a panel of 6ish people (my memory is crap please forgive me), some individuals professors I respected quite a bit and really didn't want to think any less of me. I was asked a question that I truly did not understand and I felt it. From the pits of my stomach, that tightening, like a fist from hell reaching up from my intestines yanking at me, trying to tear my stomach away from my esophagus. My eyes started to burn and water at the same time. Words were escaping me. Seconds became years, and then the tears came...and then the shakes. And then I wanted nothing more than to be swallowed whole and disappear.

I was having an anxiety attack.

One of the professors broke down the question for me into smaller questions, God bless, and I regergitated an answer best I could through sobs. After the interview I remember calling my mom, calling my roommate, and walking home in the dark thinking of what I would say to my best friend who was covering my shift so I could go to this interview. And all I remember thinking was I threw away my chance because I cried.

Two days later, while on the bus meeting a friend visiting from out of town I noticed I had missed a call. And the fist came back. But this time I could swallow it. I could keep it tame just until I got off the bus. I called the number back and I learned in the middle of the busy downtown Bellingham station I was one of the recipients. Cue a year long anxiety attack of sorts.

This fist in my gut hasn't gone away. Its taunted me when my ALG plans changed, when my best friend had a mental health crisis, whenever I thought I ccouldnt handle this grant or didn't deserve it. Now I've dealt with this fist all my life, I've seen therapists, I've taken meds, I've had my fair share of Breakdowns™. But nothing has ever had a hold on me like this fist. The one attached to this grant. The one telling me to not go through with what has been my biggest accomplishment so far in my life. The one that sooths me with, "you can always say no". And frankly, half the battle of this grant has been and is going to continue being learning to fist fight.

I'm not a fighter whatsoever. But I have to be, anyone embarking or thinking about attacking something like this, has to learn how to sock your demons right in the goddamn face. And it's okay if you miss. It just matters that you keep going and don't let it knock you out. So for those of my fellow Fairhaven students thinking about applying for this grant, fair warning, you're going to have to know how to fist fight. You may not be fighting crippling anxiety, but you will have to fight. And take it from possibly the least apt person in this world when it comes to battling anxiety, it's doable.

--Claudia

#anxiety #prep #interview