Hey
So ive realized i haven’t updated my blog in over 2 months. I’m just going to be honest.
I have been having and incredibly difficult time with my mental health. I mean my anxiety and depression have been outstandingly horrible due to several reasons. As much as i enjoyed mexico city i had many issues, with having to start over in a new city (that was much larger than my anxiety could handle), with volunteering at a foundation i later realized was cruel to both its students and volunteers, to now missing my loved ones in GDL in addition to those in the States, as well as many other things. For that reason i made the decision to move back to GDL two weeks ago so i could alleviate missing my friends here and also have a sense of familiarity/a type of home while i try not to fall apart.
And then, in addition to all of this, i realized i didnt know where i was going to live when i returned to bellingham. I still dont. And it has fucking sucked. Do you know how hard it is to apply to places when you live out of the country? How unreliable roommate situations are?
To anyone considering this grant and relies on WWU housing and financial aid, i beg you to sit down and really think about what you’re about to do and how it will affect your future plans. I didnt realize if I took this grant i would no longer qualify for the affordable student housing that came out to 300 a month. I also didnt realize the loans that had to be taken out in my father’s name would not allow a deferment, so my father has had to start paying back my loans way before either of us anticipated. To say the least it has caused an incredible amount of stress for myself and my family. I do not regret this grant in the least as it has been an incredible life-changing experience, however I wish I had been significantly more prepared for the implications this grant would have on the rest of my educational career as well as my family’s financial situation.
Before I went on this grant, i had to have a mental health evaluation. I asked to be put on anxiety medication, but the doctor did not believe i needed it so she refused. This experience has been so fucking difficult for me to handle on my own, i literally shake from anxiety, my hair has started to fall out, i have breakdowns and anxiety attacks regularly, i lash out at my partner and can’t find the words to explain that my brain makes me this broken. It’s gotten so bad i don’t want to leave my room because I’m tired of crying in public. I forget to eat most days and i feel so tired i dont want to do anything or see anyone or explore this beautiful country while i can. It is hard and i wish i had better prepared to take care of myself.
So again, to people considering doing this grant in the future, realize that if you struggle with mental illness that this experience will fucking push you to your limits. And i recommend you be amply prepared; be it you need medication or a plan to handle stressful situations on your own, it will come up far more often and far more aggressive than you think it will.
In the next couple of days I’ll talk more about my experience in CDMX, as well as upload some photos and general thoughts on the art culture there vs GDL. That’s it for now, I forced myself to draw for the first time in about a month and I dont want to lose the motivation.
--Claudia