Just Girly Things

"How's school going? When do you head back?"

I clear my throat. Cue my condensed and somewhat inaccurate one-sentence spiel that explains this whole wonderful mess.

"I'm actually not going to school this year, I got a grant to pursue an independent research project abroad."

Short, concise, makes me sound a little more important than I actually am, all good things.

Sometimes people leave it at that, some people are quick to ask questions and learn more, most everyone wants to give advice I didn't really ask for. But I started to notice a bit of a pattern I found interesting enough to share. After i regurgitate my script, men (not all or most men before y'all jump me) give a genuinely surprised and quite condescending "oh, that's cool" followed by an interrogation that's only goal is to find a near-blind jumping point to tell me all about my own grant, my own fears, and my own focus of research. I shit you not. The sheer amount of times I've been told Mexico is dangerous is sadly, not as shocking as it should be, but still irritating; because why would I, the person who has done hours of research and months of planning, know that Mexico is *maybe* not the safest place?

Don't get me wrong, I've had a couple non-men throw some condescending-ass comments at me, but none done in the total obliviousness of their "I obviously know more than you so I am going to be a good person and help you with simple stuff" way that this handful of men I've told have wholeheartedly done. It's frustrating. I already feel like a joke because of my grant (even though i know i shouldn't). The other two recipients are using their grants to study things that are probably going to make a much bigger difference in our community--things that are worth spending time and effort (and 20k) on. I want to look at graffiti and maybe learn how to draw some fucking hands for once.

I already feel the need to explain myself, and then with that added layer of tasteful misogyny tossed at me from acquaintances, coworkers and the like, this aggressive need to prove something to someone just grows. And I wish it wasn't. Because then it's like these people who think so highly of themselves, or maybe so little of me, actually do end up helping me and I don't like that. I'm a very bitter and angry person and for once would like to be driven by curiosity and passion. But I guess I'll just make do with what I got--which is drive.

--Claudia