5.5ish Week Update

I've been here now for just over 5 weeks. I found out exactly one year ago I got this grant. What the fuck.

And I've been meaning to write a post....for about 3 weeks but I've been distracted by other creative endeavors and actually having a bit of a routine. Much of my time has been dedicated to my illustrated journal, which I'll be uploading some photos of soon, as well as working on a chapbook manuscript for a contest. I celebrated Dia De Los Muertos, I've tried to explore new parts of the city as much as I can, I went to Viva La Tinta a tattoo expo and got 3 tattoos (lol), and I've made...a friend (also lol). I still feel a bit lost. I want to be productive, I want to be accomplishing something and I don't really feel like I am. And its very difficult and even isolating to be constantly needing to do do something that is more fulfilling. Knowing that a year ago i learned that i got this grant has put some shit into perspective; mainly how much I've changed in the pat year, even the past month an a half. Yet, if you were to ask me how I've changed, I couldn't tell you. I just know somethings different, and that I'm still as anxious and lost now as i was then. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Talking to a friend last night I realized how much I've been internalizing and analyzing, I just haven't written it down or shared. SO i guess I have been accomplishing something, and definitely have been learning something. I think it's just difficult because I know how to excel and navigate the public education system, and being out here by myself just twiddling my thumbs has proven to be extremely difficult for me. I appreciate structure in my life (especially so i can figure out ways to work around it) and without that structure, i forget to apply myself. And with my mental illnesses being somewhat magnified, this lack or structure feels especially volatile.

Regardless, I think my goals for the next month and a half I have left are pretty simple: apply myself more, enjoy my company, write down more of my thoughts, and be a little more okay with embarrassment. Oh, and get a haircut.

--Claudia